Illustrations by Louis Eastman
The end of the regular season is near, and most of the playoff positions are set. Here’s an opportunity to publicly perform self-fellatio for all the things I correctly predicted, and shake off the few things I got wrong. If you missed part one, then click here.
The LOL Lakers Are Finally Kobe-Free
Poor Lakers can’t even tank right, winning five of their last ten games. In most situations this is good, but they lose their draft pick next year to Philadelphia if they don’t land in the top 3 lottery picks. Their chances of getting a top 3 ping pong ball went from 54 to 40 percent in less than a week. Oh yeah, they also fired their GM and team president and PR in the middle of the season. Next season can’t get here soon enough for the Lakers.
Manu Ginobili’s Swan Song?
Manu only managed to 7.5 points, 2.7assists , and 2.3 rebounds, but the Spurs were always better when he was on the court. Unlike Tony Parker, I don’t think Manu is washed.
Nerlens Noel and The Other Philly Bigs
Philly fucked up by trading Tyson Chandler 2.0 to Mavericks for basically nothing. Then they compounded this mistake by NOT trading Jahlil Okafor. Ben Simmons hurt his foot, but should be okay by next season. Joel Embiid was the biggest bright spot for the city of Philadelphia, having an electric run before his season was cut short with a meniscus injury.
Oladipo Lands in Oklahoma
Oladipo averaged 16.7 and decreased his turnovers to less than 2 a game (due mostly to his usage rate decreasing). Yet still, you are fighting an uphill battle if Victor Oladipo is your second best scoring option. He is basically “Quentin Richardson 2.0” from the 3 point area. All that being said, his defense is still solid, and considering that the Cavs no longer have Anthony Bennett or Dion Waiters, I would think Cleveland would be better on defense if they had Oladipo on that roster.
The Parsons-Timberlake Bromance
With Chandler hurt for the majority of the season, I’m sure he has been picking up the tabs on their nightly excursions.
Quinn Snyder’s Moment of Truth
Still not sure he is a great coach, but he is competent, and he didn’t get in the way of the Jazz’s success. They were supposed to get to the playoffs this season and they did.
Russell Westbrook Unleashed
MVP!!! MVP!!!! MVP!!!!
Spurs Enter The Post-Duncan Era
The Spurs surprised a lot of people with how well they played D (To ALex Knapp’s credit he predicted they’d still be good on defense). This year’s team is younger, faster, and more athletic. If anyone but Parker were the starting PG I’d feel more confident about their playoff run.
Thibs’ Crazy Litter Of Teen Wolves
Everyone was surprised that the Timber pups weren’t playoff contenders, everyone but the guy who wrote this season preview. SLURP!!! SLURP!!! SLURP!!
Uncle Drew Earns A Ring
Kyrie Irving is a bad mufucka, but he can’t guard anybody. Cavs are terrible at D.
Vroom!!! Vroom!! (Go The Houston Rockets)
Tried to told ya’ll about the Rockets. Folks didn’t believe me. Mike D’Antoni should get the Coach of the Year Award. The “D’Antoni Affect ” once again gave life to a struggling basketball franchise, and now Darly Morey and James Harden can join Steve Nash, Chris Duhon, and Jeremy Lin, in sending D’Antoni a 200 dollar giftcard to Cheesecake Factory every December 25th.
Well what do you know? Dion can be the star on a playoff team. Its not that he isn’t good, its just that he isn’t as good as he thinks he is. He could be a super sub on a winning team if he tweaked his attitude.
X’s and O’s
Not much to say here. Shout out to Scott Brooks for helping Washington become a legitimate Eastern Conference threat to give the Cavaliers a seven game series. I’ve already slurped myself up about Mike D’Antoni. Big ups to Erik Spoelstra for helping take the Heat from 19 games under .500 to 41-41.
Karl Anthony Towns got buckets, Giannis balled out. Demar DeRozan defended his title as the second best shooting guard in the NBA. The Lakers got some young guys who can ball. The league is in good hands.
Zach Lavine: Is He Good?
We still don’t know, but he seemed like he was on his way to getting Most Improved Player before he got hurt. Funnily enough, the Timberwolves seemed to be playing better once he got shelved. I don’t think he is a natural point guard however. Just a ball handler who likes to score. Maybe he needs to be a super sub #lightskinnedDionWaiters
Coming tomorrow: Playoff Predictions
Bobby Mickey is the alter ego of writer and poet Edward Austin Robertson. When he isn’t involved in some basketball related activity, actively looking for parties to deejay or venues to perform comedy, he can be found recording podcasts with Craig Stein at Fullsass Studios. Follow him on twitter @clickpicka79. For booking inquiries, send contact info to firstname.lastname@example.org.