The NBA All Star Game is only a couple of weeks away, and twitter is abuzz with corny gimmicks to help fans vote on who they want to see in the game. For some reason it took a really long time for the league to figure out that the average NBA fan doesnn’t know shit about the game (Shout out to the people still voting for Yao Ming). As much as I like Zaza Pachulia, there is no way he should be playing on All Star Weekend (neither should Dwayne Wade and his 18.8 pts a game scoring average).
You know who the best gauge for determining who deserves to be an All-Star? OTHER PLAYERS. Forget the fans and forget the media (seriously why are they the ones who vote on all the awards?). All awards and all-star selection should be determined by the league’s players and coaches.
There are certain players who are balling out right now; making their games week to week Must See TV. I wanted to take the time to honor those in what will forever be named the “You Fux Wit Em Or NAH?” All Star teams. Here they are:
“Yea. I Fux Wit Em”
I can’t tell you how boring Celtics games would be without this guy. They have no real playmakers that can consistently handle the ball and he has been carrying this team down the stretch of games, getting them buckets whenever the team needs one. Thomas had two monster 4th quarters this week against Washington and Atlanta. He is averaging almost 29 points a game and has had two 40 point games already this season. I fux with him. Just not before the 4th quarter. I can’t stomach a full game of the Celtics. Too much of a grind.
Jabari Parker and Giannis Antetokounmpo
These two have been a dynamic duo this season and Bucks games have been more entertaining than expected because of them. Giannis is a sure-fire All Star this year, and Parker has recovered nicely from the season ending injury that he suffered his rookie year. I tried to told ya’ll at the beginning of the year that G stands Giannis.
Something that has been lost amidst the Derek Rose drama is that the Knicks just may be better when Brandon Jennings is running the show in New York. His handles are better, his shot is much better, and he is a better passer. The ball does not move as well with Rose on the floor. Jennings has been a tad inconsistent, but then again so has his minutes. I seriously believe that Jeff Hornacek just isn’t using the Compton product as efficiently as he should be.
This year’s Spurs Roster
I’m not just saying this because I’m a Spurs fan. I don’t care how far in the playoffs they go, I love this current team. It is good to see David Lee prove to the rest of the league that he can still play. It is refreshing to be able to root for Pau Gasol–a player who would have been one of my favorites back in the late 2000’s had he not played for the Kobe era Lakers. Duane Dedmon has been better than anyone expected, and Davis Bertans has been a lovely surprise (we know at least one Latvian player will be in the playoffs this year). With Jonathan Simmons, Patty Mills, and Manu Ginobili leading the second unit, the Spurs quietly have one of the best benches in the league.
Like I said before, I’ve been trying to write off Memphis for years, but they keep coming back as strong as ever. I’m sure you can think of 150 million arguments to counter with, but Mike Conley remains one of the most underrated point guards in the NBA. Outside of Chris Paul, I don’t think there is anyone who runs an offense and controls the tempo better.
A little goes a long way with this team. I wouldn’t advise anyone to watch more than one Jazz game per week, but they are pretty entertaining. Rudy Gobert is probably the Defensive Play of the Year. Gordon Heyward is living up to the hype, and Rodney Hood is an unsung assassin with a pure shooting touch. Also, they have the most awkwardly amusing fancams (known in my household as “Dab”cam) in the league.
Nah. I don’t Fuck wit those cats
Russell Westbrook and James Harden
People are tripping over themselves to rave about the once Illustrious Triple Double stat. Whatever. It’s basically a meaningless stat at this point. Sure these two fill up the stats sheet and it looks good on paper, but considering their usage rate (both avg between five and six turnovers a game), the stats aren’t as impressive when you watch these two point guards play for yourself. I’m just not into one-on-five basketball. Its sooooooooooooo 1990’s.
I used to fuck with this cat til he decided to sign a massive extension with the Sacramento Kings. I’ve defended him in the past, and he is still an enormous talent; however I can’t cape for him any longer. His decision to stay in Cowtown can’t be defended. If he wants to sit around and look sour because management won’t put a team around him, that is on him. He and Carmelo would rather count chips rather than count rings. I mean……..I guess.
Lebron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers
Ugh. Years from now when they put up a Lebron James statue and talk about how incredible he was (probably the very same experts who shit on him for half of his career), I hope “they” don’t forget that Lebron played in the inferior Eastern Conference his entire career and had what equated to a three round bye from the year 2013 to the present. The drop off in competition from #1 to #8 is astounding. Watching Lebron in the playoffs against all these scrubs is almost as fun as watching pickup games at the neighborhood YMCA. No gracias.
If you are reading the box scores and suspect you are missing out, it only takes a few minutes of watching a T-wolves game to realize you are not. Aside from some Iso-jumpers and breakaway dunks, there isn’t much joy to be found in watching their games. It isn’t that they are bad (at 14-27, they are only 3.5 games from being an 8th seed), they are just too young. They find new ways to lose close games every week because they don’t know how to win on the NBA level yet. It also doesn’t help that on damn near every play, you can hear their coach barking like circus seal, and it doesn’t stop until the game is over. But enjoy those Andre Wiggins, Karl Anthony Towns and Zach Lavine highlights. Maybe one day they will all win together, but as I’ve said before, Minnesota will find a way to fuck this up.
The Toronto Rappers
This unwatchable team is the Eastern Conference’s version of the Portland Trailblazers. It is painful enough watching these guys toss around the basketball 16 seconds before a Kyle Lowry or Demar Derozan shot attempt. The real insult to injury is when a certain corny ass rapper sporting a Doris Burke sweatshirt and a toothpick is given a microphone to add stale commentary and lame jokes. Ease back bruv. I’m good on them.
Speaking of scrub ass teams. Call me when Paul Allen signs some talent to help out Dame Lillard and C.J. McCollum. Two-on-five basketball is only slightly better than one-on-five.
This week’s Clicks to Pick:
Cleveland at Golden State (Good Ass Game of the Week)
Lebron says the “Warriors are a really great team, but they are not our rivals.” We return to the scene of this block, and the beginning of the “Warriors blew a 3-1 Finals lead” meme.
Philadelphia at Milwaukee
Two of the best players from Africa square off here on Martin Luther “The King” Day in Giannis Antetokounmpo (The Nigerian ‘Nique) and Joel Embiid (The Carnival from Cameroon). Joel Embiid is a cat I definitely fuck with, and the 76ers are creeping into “I fux wit that team on a weekly basis” territory.
“Tap That Vein” Tuesday
Minnesota at San Antonio
A team I don’t fux wit vs. a team I fux with heavily. To quote Big Boi, “Somethings gotta giiivvveeee.”
Milwaukee at Houston
So many people are admitting their shock at James Harden’s production this season, but what is shocking to me that people are surprised. Two things happened to James that helped him from last season to this one: 1) he got rid of the dead weight that was Dwight Howard and the Kardashian clan and 2) he benefitted from the #D’Antoni effect.
What is the D’Antoni effect? Well ask players like Steve Nash ( back to back MVP’s), Jeremy Lin (the Linsanity season and the millions that followed can be directly linked to Mike D’Antoni–I mean has Lin been worth a damn since Mike D?) Chris Duhon, Raymond Felton and every other point guard who had inflated stats playing for the guy.
Oklahoma City at Golden State
This is a great week for Good Ass Games. Only two days removed from Cavs-Warriors, we get Warriors-Thunder, or as the media would rather call it, Russ vs. KD: part deux. The Warriors are only fun to watch when there is something at stake (real or imagined). Tune in.
“Tap That Vein Twice” Thursday
Minnesota at Los Angeles Clippers
ummmmmmmmm. I guess. Sometimes you gotta take the ugly girl home and be okay with it (just don’t let your roommates find out)
Portland at Philadelphia
This could either be a blowout, or this could be a good ass game that comes down to Lillard Time. Either way, I wonder if Alex Knapp is considering taking the train ride into Philly to watch this game. I wouldn’t blame him if he did.
Utah at Dallas
It is easy to sleep on the Mavericks, but one must keep in mind that they haven’t been healthy all year-long. Remember this for when they get on a roll in March and everyone starts writing their “Break up the Mavs” takes on why they are all of a sudden a dangerous team.
San Antonio at Cleveland
The NBA week is too good to us this week. This is the first marquee matchup for Los Spurs since the first game of the season. I’m really curious how this will go. Tristan Thompson will be hell to reckon with, and I worry if anyone will show up besides Kawhi Leonard and the coaching staff.
Portland at Boston (4th quarter only)
What a weekend to be a New Englander. You got the Steelers in town for the AFC championship game and this game the night before. “Illard vs. IT” If you aren’t a Celtics or Blazers fan, I suggest you don’t watch the whole thing. With the exception of some C.J. McCollum jumpers those first 3 quarters might be brutal.
NFC and AFC Championship Games (No Good Ass Basketball Scheduled)
If it’s not a Steelers-Packers or Patriots-Packers rematch, I can guarantee you that I will be skipping the Super Bowl for something more productive. I still can’t believe the Dallas Cowboys coaching staff collectively blew that Packers game yesterday. I blame Jerry Jones for being impossible to work with, but I also blame myself even more for thinking Jason Garrett might be a better coach than I’ve been giving him credit for. Nah bro. He’s properly rated. Homie got outmatched by Mike McCarthy. GRRRRRRRRR!!!! I fucking hate football.
Have a good holiday.
Bobby Mickey is the alter ego of writer and poet Edward Austin Robertson. When he isn’t involved in some basketball related activity, actively looking for parties to deejay or venues to perform comedy, he can be found recording podcasts with Craig Stein at FullsassStudios. Follow him on twitter @clickpicka79. For booking inquiries, send contact info to email@example.com